Sometimes we start something powerful, full of momentum and determination and fire and grit. Sometimes it feels right and we know that we are meant to persevere. Sometimes the intuitive certainty of the moment is all we need to commit to something new. To begin it now. Sometimes all of these things are true and yet…and then…nothing else—nothing new—emerges.
Sometimes it happens like this. We grow and evolve bit by bit, in fits and starts. And in the absence of clear-cut “evidence” (our cultural norms insist on proof that’s tangible, measurable, detectable-with-our-five-basic-senses) our progress feels glacial. Our work, Sisyphean. Our hearts, defeated.
It has taken me years of self-defeating behavior and heartache to fully appreciate that not everything of value in myself can be seen or measured. That not having a plan does not equate to wandering aimlessly. That not sticking to a course of action does not mean I have failed. And that there’s no prescribed timeline for my development or achievements.
We are not linear beings. (In fact time itself is not actually linear, but that’s a topic for another day). Life—all of life, within us and without us, the micro and the macro—unfolds in cycles and spirals and beautiful patterns that ripple infinitely outward through multiple dimensions.
We are not linear beings. So we should neither expect of ourselves nor glorify the idea of proceeding in a straight line on an ever-upward trajectory of narrowly defined progress as dictated by exceedingly homogenous (read: boring) metrics of success.
<Phew!>
Way back in 2009 I was moved to include this inspiring quote in the signature line of my emails.
“Whatever you do or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE / JOHN ANSTER1
It stirred something deep within me, though I had no idea what it was; and even less sense of what I might “begin.” But I knew that the idea mattered. It remained there in my email signature for nearly a decade, a symbol of my latent desire. A reminder that I had the potential for greater, truer things.
A little over one year ago in just such a moment of conviction, battling through a very dark night of the soul, I wrote the brief manifesto below. A thousand and one tendrils of new growth have sprouted within (and without) me in the days since, and while—in my own non-linear, organic way—I did not sustain my unspoken intention to continue writing about my journey in the interim, this piece feels very much like a Prologue to all this site endeavors to be.
January 12, 2023—My Call to the Wild
Last night I got down on my knees and prayed for the first time in decades. I prayed for the courage to make a commitment to myself, and for the fortitude to keep it. I prayed for the strength of character not to make a promise to myself that I could not keep. I prayed for the willingness to want to keep it; to do the work necessary to keep it in the dark moments sure to come. I prayed for my life.
I prayed for guidance and help, in whatever form the Universe deems useful. For the wisdom to see those opportunities when they appear. For the bravery to act upon them when I do.
I prayed for the ability to discern and embrace only the healthy, self-loving choices from the wolves in sheep’s clothing that lurk in and out of shadows across my days, waiting to pounce when I grow weary and distracted from my purpose.
I prayed for synchronicities to light my path with inspiration and purple flames of hope. I prayed for greater access to the power that lies within me, to step into alignment with my truest self with a fierce, unapologetic, whole-hearted, full-throated YES.
I prayed like I did as a child when the magic of my spiritual center first called to me, whispering in fierce muffled tones of something more, unleashing in me the ache to Know and to Be Known. For wisdom to unfold from my journey and then fold back upon each moment to inform my path forward into the unknown.
I prayed to never again abandon myself as I have done countless times before. To chart a new course—bolder and braver and no doubt more terrifying than anything I have ever undertaken—to fully commit to becoming the woman I was designed to be. To keep the channel open, no matter what.
This is where I am. And now, from here, into the wilderness. I will not turn back; there is in fact no “back.” Only forward and onward and (mostly) upward. Only ever, really, right here and now in this everlasting moment. And whether or not it is clear to me, no doubt the Universe—and me as its unique expression and a part of the whole—are unfolding exactly as we should.
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- In digging in on the authentic text and origins of this quote, turns out it’s not so straightforward! ↩︎
Till My River Runs Wild 